Anxiety and Depression

    Sometimes, you get comfortable and relaxed in your surroundings. Then, you're abruptly reminded that life isn't fair and that comfort withers away into anxiety and sadness. This is the constant in life. It'll never entirely go away, no matter how good things get. 

    I've dealt with sadness and depression most of my life; it is the norm for me. From the moments I have absolutely no reason to be sad to actual events that bring on the sadness. This is my life cycle, and I ride out the highs and lows because I believe this to be the normalcy of living. I have been this way since I was little, and back then, I did not really know how to handle it properly. Shit even as an adult, I didn't know how to handle it properly.

    Mental health seems to be a shunned topic. That was something I was taught to believe in. Not knowing where that stemmed from. So, for most of my life, I have just dealt with it independently. I remember talking with a therapist when I was younger after the first time I tried to commit suicide. It wasn't a great time, and I didn't feel it was fixing anything in my life at the time. It seemed like I was being told all the issues in my life were created by me. I needed to better deal with it and learn to cope better. So that didn't last, for other reasons, of course. I am glad as well, it was a waste of time, and they didn't give two shit about me and my mental health.

    I just continued my life, not dealing with it properly. I would act out and do stupid shit and smoke a lot of weed as I hit my teens. Then, of course, I drank like a mofo throughout my late teens and early adulthood. None of these were good things to do for any mental health healing. Just made my teen years a blur, and I do not remember half the kooky shit I did on Long Island and my beginning time in Upstate New York. Super, very blurry. Maybe that is a good thing, lol. I won't argue with that nor dwell on it.

    "You have to be strong; you can't be weak and look like a bitch!" that is something I do remember hearing as a teen from 'friends.' Shit like that totally stifles any thought of help or the idea of help in regard to mental health, for sure. But you're a man, so you need to act like one. So you do, or you think you do. Which, in the end, does nobody any good, especially yourself. Seeing close friends slip through those cracks and slowly fade into drug addiction and disappear. 

    After many years of just going with the flow and dealing with it last year, it came to a head. I had to step up and take care of that anxiety that would pop up for no reason. I had to stifle that want to drive my car into a bridge embankment for no reason whatsoever. My life in the last couple of years has been perfect and enjoyable.  I got back into collecting comics again, not that I stopped; I just stopped getting variant covers and investing in new titles. Working for the first time in a very long time has been great. But a trip to the comic store and having a complete anxiety attack for no fucking reason was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

    So I just said fuck it and made an appointment to see my doctor. It was just returning and getting worse by the day. For no reason, but I guess that's how mental health goes. One day POW kicks you in the taint and reminds you how much of a piece of shit you are. But now I was done dealing with it. I have to admit it was still pretty damn hard to ask him for help. I felt so fucking ashamed to ask. I just about chickened out. Alas, though, I did.

    Today, I feel better, not 100%, though I don't know what that is; I'm unknown if I ever will. But I am now a bit more laid back and relaxed. I don't get all worked up in regards to the stupidest shit. There's no more feeling like everybody is out to get me. I can go through a day and feel no anxiety whatsoever, which is finally nice. I just take it day by day. That is all I can really do, right? I also have been dwelling on the idea of talking to a therapist again as well. Though I am worried about what shit might pop up in the recesses of my mind, lol. Stuff I locked away so long ago to protect myself. 

    Until then, I'll just keep going my way. I am doing my best and trying to relearn that not everything is out to get me and that some things aren't worth getting angry or frustrated. Still learning, though.  😌